Ten Tips for Motorcycling in South America

by Andres Carlstein

When considering a ride to South America, there are several things you must

keep foremost in your mind to avoid serious inconvenience, discomfort,

injury, and/or death.

Having recently completed a journey from New York, USA to Ushuaia, Argentina

by motorcycle (and having finished detailing my journey in the upcoming book

"Odyssey to Ushuaia," to be published by the Chicago Review Press in the

Spring of 2002), I feel I have some small expertise in these matters. The

following is a list of my recommendations to those who may need help in

avoiding common pitfalls:

1.  Avoid pitfalls. These are typically large holes in the ground, or

"pits." If you fail to see them in your path, you could fall in, which might

inconvenience you greatly by causing your death.

2.  Avoid colliding head-on with trucks. I have done this and can assure you

it's not convenient or comfortable either. In fact, it's damned

inconvenient. If you simply MUST hit something, almost anything would be

better, such as a stationary vehicle, or better yet, a soft object like a

cow, or a policeman. 

3.  Try not to drink too much in the presence of Colombians. They love to

party. They drink a lot. As Billy Idol said, they dance like "amore on

fire." You may find yourself with some seriously sore hips from trying to

imitate their moves. DO NOT TAKE THIS CAUTION LIGHTLY. If you pull a hammy

bastardizing a salsa or rhumbita in your drunkenness, you could end your

trip right there.

4.  Avoid dangerous wildlife at all costs. For example, if you are riding

along and see a grizzly bear in your path, do not approach or attempt to

pass the animal. That would be foolhardy. If traveling in a group, you

should all draw straws and the loser must rub a dead salmon on their riding

gear to lure the bear off the route. Once the bear has taken the bait, then

the others can safely pass. If the loser has brought along good quality

riding gear, s/he stands a negligible chance of survival if caught, which is

really a lot better than no chance at all. Also, if you actually do

encounter a grizzly bear, it may be symptomatic of an even greater problem

you are having on your trip South. Consider buying a map and compass.

5.  Keep a spare key to your bike. If you should lose your only key, you

will have a major headache on your hands, or in this case, your head.

Therefore, it's nice to have a spare key around. Since you could be robbed

of your clothes, I recommend hiding the key somewhere on your bike. Don't

worry about losing that one as well--if your bike gets stolen, you certainly

won't be needing that spare key anyway! But you might need a towel if you

are still running around naked.

6.  To avoid crime, don't talk to anyone. And don't let anyone near you.

Typically, criminals will always try to get close to you if they intend to

rob or hurt you. If you don't allow anyone close to your person, you almost

completely eliminate the chance of being a victim. It's a fact. I know this

advice may seem extreme, if not impossible, but there are ways to achieve

this end. Not bathing helps. Also try screaming in a high-pitched voice,

like a man who's testicles are caught in a drawer, whenever anyone gets

within spitting distance of you. And spit on them too. 

7.  When in doubt about someone's intentions, claim to be a Canadian. Nobody

goes around blowing up Canook embassies or taking mounted police hostage.

This inoffensive nation consistently fails to piss off any third world

country, despite their close proximity/similarity to the USA. They are like

the US's loveable kid brother that nobody would dream of hurting. To take

advantage of this and make your journey more trouble-free, consider wearing

a Canadian mounted police uniform at all times.

8.  Try to educate everyone you meet about the advantages of a free market

society. The isolated peoples you see in your travels need to learn about

the glory of capitalism and that there is "no such thing as a free lunch." I

recommend doing this as often as possible. For example don't just visit an

ancient ruin and take photos. Take a piece of that culture home with you!

It's only fair, you bring in hard-earned dollars to their economy, so you

should get something to show for it. Chip off pieces of ancient sculptures

and temples, to help educate these people about how commodities are traded

in the rest of the world. One day, when their economies have flourished, in

part, due to your careful tutelage, they may build us a big statue of

appreciation near Manhattan like the French did.

9.  Occasionally you will encounter a cop demanding a bribe. This is almost

unavoidable. There's an inherent ethical dilemma for many Westerners in how

to best approach this situation, which many find hard to resolve. The

problem is this: to withhold the bribe is to impose your belief system on an

autonomous culture, but to give them the bribe is to support the corruption

that's poisoning the system. After many hours of pondering the various

possibilities, and several opportunities to test my theories in action, I

still find that bludgeoning and burying in a shallow grave is the best

option. 

10. Finally, and most importantly, whenever you are buying gas, for the love

of God don't leave your lit cigarette on the pump as you ride off. Just

trust me on this one. What happens next is really, really bad. 

Happy travels to you!

Andres Carlstein

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